The Krispy Kreme Cruiser. Image courtesy of the KripyKreme.com newsroom.

What kind of fool steals a Krispy Kreme truck?

Criminals are not known for their street smarts, but we pity the fool in Georgia who purloined a Krispy Kreme doughnut delivery truck from a convenience store parking lot in Dacula – can you imagine the fervent zeal of the pursuit?

“Stolen vehicle reported at Quick Stop, First and Spruce streets. Suspect proceeding south on I-85,” barks a police radio.

“Car 55 responding,” replies Officer Kreuller. He turns to his partner and adds, “A whole truckload of Krispy Kremes – dayam!”

”Let’s go get that sucker and take those beauties into evidence,” replied Officer Sprinklz. “We only need to keep a few to show what was in the truck!”

With lights ablaze and siren wailing they set off in pursuit of this despicable thief and his ill-gotten treasure. Several other patrol cruisers join in the chase, and though witnesses were unable to corroborate, they seemed to be competing to overtake the pitiable fool.

James Freddy Major was the hapless thief’s name, according to a report in the Huffington Post’s Weird News section. The alleged perpetrator took the idling vehicle from an Exxon station where the driver was stocking the shelves of the local Quick Stop with raised glazed, chocolate covered and cake donuts along with other delectable pastries.

Imagine what went through the minds of Georgia residents when they saw a Krispy Kreme truck careening wildly down I-85 and Georgia State Highway 316 at up to 70-mph with a half a dozen cop cars in seething pursuit!

Police say Major appeared to be under the influence at the time, but did not clarify if the suspect was inebriated or suffering from a sugar buzz overload.

He was finally apprehended when he turned down a dead end street (I pity the fool!) taking out a mailbox before attempting escape on foot. Police located the glazed miscreant with the aid of K9 dogs, a short time later.

Dogs love doughnuts too, and they are not good for them either!

This event can best be summed up by listing it as the very first incident in America of what the Huffington Post called Grand Theft Donut.

We couldn’t help but mine the humor in all this, but mean no offense to our boys in blue – if only all the problems they face could be handled thus, with little more collateral damage than a damaged mailbox, it would be a better world.

Besides, who doesn’t love a sweet, mouth-watering raised, glazed doughnut now and then?

As it turns out, the company is beginning to celebrate its 75th Anniversary, having been first established in 1939. The image above is the Krispy Kreme Cruiser, a newly restored and bowtie branded 1960 Flxible Starliner to be driven across the country by brand ambassadors who will entice fans to join the 75th birthday celebration of the world’s most famous doughnut.

Major should have just parked in an alley four blocks away, grabbed a tray of Krispy Kremes, and walked away, stuffing himself with the intoxicating gut bombs – his day would have been a lot sweeter.

Then again, perhaps Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky was right when he postulated in Crime and Punishment that, “The seed of punishment is contained within the crime.”

Maybe we should ask Bernie Madoff what he thinks about that!

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